...good odds on Tragedy (with a capital 't') UPDATE

its seems 12-5 on 'cocaine overdose' was extraordinarily generous...

Operation Payback Strikes Against The Happy Slap

Lonely nerd collective 'Anonymous' have struck out against The Happy Slap with a DDoS attack, as part of their irritating little campaign against 'the man'. Presumably The Happy Slap was targeted because of its important place at the forefront of the new media establishment. Some of the symptoms of the attack are failure to reach the site, lack of new posts appearing, and poor quality/unfunny material appearing consistently, and well behind the Zeitgeist. So, if you find yourself on the Happy Slap, confronted with something you don't find funny, or interesting, or remotely current (or even 'there'), its all Operation Payback's fault. You can get revenge by punching/kicking any nerdy children you see. Indiscriminate bullying is the way forward.

Wednesday Wednesday! Spare a Thought for Those Without a DS

Yes dear readers of the Happy Slap, in your multitudes you wailed and whined at the loss of your weekly wednesday shot of wisdom and whimsy. But fear not, because normal service has been resumed.

I could be humble, and claim that my absence was born of laziness, procrastination or a complete lack of ideas, but no. I owe the loyal readers of this blog the truth, even if it means I must embarassingly reveal my altruism and charitable nature.

You see, for the past several weeks, I have been travelling the globe, witnessing the impact on the lives of ordinary people of a terrible plight. Like Lenny Henry in the deserts of Africa watching impoverished people starve and having a bit of a cry, I have been visiting the homes around the world of those unlucky souls who do not own a Nintendo DS, in any of it's myriad forms.

But how can this be!? I hear you cry. I do not understand yet the causes, but I have seen the effects. Did you know that there are roughly 140 million DS' in the world? With an ever expanding population of 6.7 BILLION people this means there is only 1 Nintendo DS for every 48 people!

Even with Nintendo's emphasis on casual gaming, I think we can all agree that this imbalance needs to be addressed.

I know, I know - there's a time and a place for this sort of thing, and this isn't it, but...

Alison Brie: Delightful

...Community may have jumped the shark. I hate to say it. The NBC show, starring Chevy Chase, Joel McHale and the delightful Alison Brie (see picture. Nice, right?) had been my personal favourite. Only yesterday I was making my case for it to be the best show on TV. But that's all changed today...maybe. I just watched last week's episode, and it was a godawful preachy mess. While there were still a few choice jokes, and the performances were perfect as always, the horrendous 'anti-alcohol' message reeked of a particularly bad episode of 'Blossom'.
I'm hoping its temporary.. though 10 episodes in to a 24 episode run, it doesn't bode well. Maybe someone on the show died of alcohol poisoning, and they did it for his family. Or it could be part of the writer's community service. Yeah, thats my bet..

Smug Twats Enjoy Ice, Finally Have Use for Lidl Hiking Gear

Smug twats all over Dublin have finally had an excuse to break out their Lidl hiking gear in the last week, in an unbelievably irritating response to the recent cold weather. No doubt purchased at moderate expense sometime in the last 6 months, the gear is not quite up to hiking standard, but is perfectly suited as an adornment or decoration for their users, keen for all to know of their wholesome mores, and prudent planning. Unconfirmed reports have suggested that all people using hiking gear in the middle of the city centre have listed 'outdoors pursuits' as an interest on their respective CVs.

James Blunt saved the world!

I know I couldn't believe it either, however in an interview due to be aired on BBC radio 5 this evening James Blunt will explain how by defying a US General's orders and risking court martial he stopped World War 3 from happening. It just goes to show that no matter how cool a story you have it is still possible that everyone thinks your a twat.

-As a side note I would like to point out how difficult it is to get a funny picture of James Blunt. Thankfully, after much searching, I found one. Now while this picture is quite is crude it is the best of a bad bunch.

PWC Girls are diappointing, should sue, probably wont

Zeitgeist Ahoy! Only three days after the story broke, and only about 6 weeks after the email was in every inbox in the country (except mine. What do I have, leprecy?), you're favourite psuedo-news source has some witty and urbane comment to make on... the PRICEWATERHOUSECOOPER SEX SCANDAL.
That's probably overselling it - its not really a sex scandal. Its a sexism scandal, which is much less fun. But the real beauty about this story is that every right thinking person gets to be outraged at frat-boy esque shenanigans from PWC's neanderthal employees, but also, with the printing of the images, we can secretly rate the girls ourselves. For my part i'm a fan of (snip - Ed).
What really horrifed me though, was Tom Dunne's thoughts on it. "They'll be delighted", says Tom, "chuffed". Yes, of course, these young women who have worked through college to become professionals and get good jobs will be "delighted" that the men they have to work with every day refer to them as "new clunge", worthy of an FYI email to such luminaries as their mate , the estate agent from CBRE. This terrible sexist attitude led me to feel I need to balance it out, so I'm posting a link to Karen Owen's infamous (and probably NSFW unless you have a quite liberal boss, or a boss who has difficulty reading whats on your computer screen) Duke 'fuck list'.
The lovely Karen chose to round off her time at Duke University by detailing and ranking every athlete she had sex with in her time there, writing it up in a thesis format, using semi-academic language, and putting it in a power point to show her friends. Who, inevitably sent it all around the world. I like this girl's style - she's enough of a tramp to get around a lot, and do some crazy shit (library blowjob high five - READ THE THESIS), but also enough of a dork to do a powerpoint presentation about it. Shes supertramp. Not the band.

Wednesday Wednesday! The Great X-Factor Homage Mystery

It's that time of year again. Time for Simon Cowell to smugly smirk his way to the bank and Louis Walsh to piss and bitch and threaten to quit, and he really means it this time.

But despite my best attempts to avoid this wretched festival of auto-tune and humiliation, certain tidbits seem to seep through into my daily intake every fucking year. And what's really piqued my interest this time around is the naming of one of the girl groups.

This group of dowdy young things, pictured above, go by the name of Belle Amie.

Belle Amie, Bell Amee, Bellamy.

Yes these girls have obviously been so affected by someone by the name of Bellamy, they thought to name their desperate stab at fleeting fame after them. But who is this influential figure, this totem of virtue and inspiration that has so impressed themselves upon these impressionable young ladies? Well, I have a few theories.

1) Craig Bellamy
This no-necked Welsh footballer with his simian brow seems like an odd choice for some sweet young poplets to name themselves after. Famed for his bad boy attitude and assaulting a team-mate with a golf club, this is maybe an outside shot.

2)Matt Bellamy
One of the nice guys of rock and roll, the front-man of Muse seems like another odd choice. With his falsetto voice and indulgent guitar riffs he is, at least, one step closer to the girls' choice of career, but they don't seem as concerned with such weighty themes as the apocalypse and desperation in the face of seeming unimportance as he is.

3)David Bellamy

Noted environmental activist and television personality David Bellamy was one of the first people to raise concerns over man's impact on nature. With his television appearances and books such as 1989's 'The Greenhouse Effect' he voiced his concerns to the British public. He also voiced an advert for Ribena. Maybe the girls are big blackcurrant fans?


So there we have it. After an extensive bout of research, I am no closer to finding out the truth in this elusive mystery. Are these four girls, chasing the dreams of fame and fortune like so many before them, Welsh football fans? Or do they secretly hold dreams of becoming the next stadium rock sensation? Or do they simply really love juice?

Wednesday Wednesday! Someone Seems to Have Missed the Point

But It's certainly not these ladies.

No, It's actually a group of Cheerleaders from a Connecticut high school, who have recently complained to their local school board because their cheerleading uniforms are too revealing.

One of them confronted the board with this question;

“I am embarrassed to stand up here dressed like this. Is this really how you want Bridgeport to be represented?”

So let's take a moment to mull this over, because she's hit them with a real puzzler. Do you want your town represented by a bunch of attractive, athletic and enthusiastic girls wearing slutty outfits?

Coming from a town that proudly displays the slogan 'A Nice Place to Shop' (which wasn't even true when it was originally proposed), I can say that the answer to that question is a definite fucking yes.

(As an aside, Naas is actually the name of the Celtic Goddess of Dreams, and the town is named after her because it is, according to legend, the site of her grave. So perhaps a more appropriate slogan for the town is 'Welcome to Naas; Where Dreams Go To Die')

Riding a segway to Heaven

In case you didn't know the millionaire owner of the company that makes Segways, Jimi Heselden, died on Sunday by driving off a cliff in England. Now this got me thinking about about Gob from Arrested Development (above), which in turn lead me to look for an update on the Arrested Development movie, which according to IMDB has 12,000 in-production titles. Now tell me that wasn't a good segue [pron. seg-way] get it?

Lieb' vaterland magst ruhig sein! (Dear Fatherland be at peace)

According to the Telegraph World War 1 ends this Sunday when Germany will pay its final repatriation payment of £59.5 million this Sunday. This must be a huge relief for the 4 veterans of the War who are still alive (the total number of participating personnel of the war was 65,038,810). Finally all this mucky business can be put behind us and the Treaty of Versailles will be resolved amicably, well except for that small hiccup with the Nazis and all.

In case you didn't notice this was just a thinly veiled excuse to use the above picture and my personal favourite, the below picture. Hoorah for xenophobic early nineteenth century cartoons.

Wednesday Wednesday! American Conservatives Clutching At Straws

The 99 is a comic book written by Naif al-Mutawa, designed to present Muslim children with the kind of archetypal heroes that have inspired American and European children for decades, teaching them concepts of justice, morality and social responsibility. It features a mostly Islamic cast of superheroes fighting for peace in the Middle East.

It's also going to be one of the front running shows on The Hub, a new digital kids TV network launching later this year. Which, of course, has sparked controversy with many Americans, including Adrian Morgan of the organisation Family Security Matters, a right wing group who tend to get worked up every time the words 'Muslim' and 'America' are mentioned within 500 words of each other.

These patriotic souls with nothing-but-the-sanctity-of-the-American-Way at heart fear that, instead of promoting tolerance and awareness of the wider world, this show will serve to indoctrinate American youths into... well, shit, I dunno.

The headline of the article is

Meet the Muslim Superheroes who are Ready to Indoctrinate American Kids

but then the author doesn't really seem to be able to pin-point what the fuck they're being indoctrinated into. He goes on to quote al-Mutawa's story about wanting to create a show that promoted closer relations between Islamic and Western people after overhearing anti-western sentiments at a mosque.

He also says that in comic book form this whole thing wasn't so bad, because people choose to read comics, or not.

But on TV, goddamn it, that's just not the case. The TV is the omnipresent dictatorial presence in the corner of the room, and once you enter that room, well, you're gonna sit down, shut up, and do whatever it says.

Wednesday Wednesday! The Japanese are Awesome.

Dr. Hideto Tomabechi is a Japanese scientist who has harnessed the power of sound in an effort to beat one of the great challenges of the 21st century; How many ways can we find to make boobs bigger?

Because surgery, hormone treatments, excercises and specific diets just weren't enough for this man, he set about developing a subliminal ringtone that will stimulate certain biological imperatives in a woman, causing her boobs to swell. It's even been featured on the Discovery Channel, and we all know that their science is always sound.

But this man is not just a pioneer in the art of making boobs bigger, no, he's also responsible for the research that was used to de-program brain-washed members of the Aum Shinrikyo cult, who were responsible for the 1995 Tokyo Subway sarin gas attacks.

Japan is responsible for many of the best things in the world, Godzilla, robots, Mario, Hot Japanese Girls, and now, pioneering, multitasking super scientists.

bad rpg!!

Wednesday Wednesday! Man Has Hangover, Country Shits Itself

On Monday night Brian Cowen attended the Fianna Fáil Parliamentary Party Conference, giving a speech and then partaking in the kind of socialising that anybody who has ever been to conference, no matter what their field of profession may be, partakes in; he got pissed and had a sing-song.

Yesterday morning, Brian Cowen (pictured above in one of his more graceful moments) did a radio interview. During the interview he sounded gruff, annoyed and evasive, he answered questions poorly and gave misleading or mistaken answers. Fine Gael TD Simon Coveney then tweeted that Cowen sounded "Half way between hungover and drunk". This lead to a media shit-storm with everyone, especially George Hook, climbing atop their high horses and riding them till they exploded in a shower of moral outrage, and ill-considered political suggestion.

Now, I'm no fan of Brian Cowen's. He's uncharismatic, largely incompetent and arrogant. Add to this the fact that WE NEVER VOTED FOR THE FUCKER and you can see why I have a problem with him being Taoiseach at this topsy-turvy time of global recession.

But for fuck's sake, this is ridiculous. He turned up for work hungover. Well, shit, we've all done that. Now, I know he's not working in Tesco, that he has an important job and it was unprofessional for him to do it. I get that, but the man is entitled to a session every now and then, I will never begrudge a person that. The real mistake he made was scheduling an important radio interview for an early morning show the day after the biggest piss-up of his annual professional calendar.

Really, having listened to the interview, I can say in my opinion that he doesn't sound any more disinterested or incompetent than any other interview of his that I've listened to.

But hey, If this leads to Cowen losing his job (It probably won't), then I guess I can't really complain.

Wednesday Wednesday! Canadians Try to Make their Roads Safer. With Ghosts!

The British Columbia Automobile Association (BCAA) Traffic Safety Foundation, and other Canadian road safety organisations are starting a new road safety inititiave, using optical illusions to scare motorists into slowing down in built up areas.

An image of a young girl will be painted onto the tarmac outside a school, elongated and indecipherable to the eye until you reach a point on the road 30 meters away as you approach. At this point the image will be lined up perfectly for the human eye, and - HOLY SHIT THAT LITTLE GIRL JUST APPEARED FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

Yeah, this seems like a good idea.

Wednesday Wednesday! Nerds and Musical Theatre; A Potent, Pungent, Mix.

News recently broke that the long-talked about Spider-Man musical was finally getting made. Featuring music and lyrics by U2's Bono and the Edge, it promises to be a big stinking pile of overly spectacularised shite. Presumably the pairs legendary lyrical subtlety will produce such classics as 'I can shoot webs now!' and 'my costume has two colours; red and blue'.

But it's not the only thing that will be drawing the great unwashed into the wonderful world of musical theatre in the near future. A production company is soon to premiere an opera of the story of the very first Klingon emperor, Kahless. The epic tale of Kahless and the woman he loves, Lady Lukara will be told entirely in Klingon.

Yeah, that's right, Klingon. Because what we needed was for the opera to be even harder to understand.

What gets me most about this though is the fact that opera singing is a very specific talent, and requires years of intense training and discipline. Which means that when this thing hits the stage, there's gonna be a bunch of highly trained, dedicated people posturing on stage with shitty melty-chocolate face and rejected 70s disco outfits wondering "is this truly what I've trained for? What the fuck am I doing here?', while a bunch of fat, sweaty nerds take the whole thing entirely too seriously.

Like this, but fatter.

Internet Comment of the Week

So, I guess pretty much everyone has seen the video of the woman putting the cat into the bin (here). But my favourite aspect of this whole story is the comment left by a mister '

nichtsausserwahrheit' (which translates ironically enough as 'Nothing but Truth'), who simply said 'In China they eat the cat'.

The Happy Slap Congratulates It's New International Correspondant

File Photo

THAT'S RIGHT!! Happy Slap Corp. is expanding apace - in addition to two (2!!!) new correspondants, we are proud to announce the launch of our first international office, to be headed up by long time contributor, Clarko-polo. In Scotland. So for the same old Happy Slap Shit, with a Scottish twist, check out Clarko-polo's new weekly column 'Portrait of the Artless as a Young Ham'
Also, starting next week, John Q's new bi-weekly Wednesday column, 'WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY'. It's gonna be a laugh riot.

Nation's Self Esteem Chipped Away at by Brutally Personal Graffiti

This, dear readers, may just be the most subversive thing in the world today. Simple to the point of idiocy, this anarchic, nihilistic, scattergun graffiti insult follows you wherever you go. The back of a truck.
A wall in an alley.
Written in dust on your car when you try to get in.
Constant, burrowing. Completely indiscriminate. Though you may brush it off, somewhere in your mind it's gnawing at you - at everyone. Some faceless stranger, someone you've never met, knows what you're all about, and they don't like it one bit.
That 'Fuck You' is both random and entirely personal. Out there the towns and cities are full of hateful bastards, who, having never met you, want you to know that they hate you, and are willing to plaster the world around us with monuments to their hate for you. And there is nothing you can do about it. There is no answer you can give, no clever retort or witty rejoinder. Mankind has scaled the highest mountain, travelled to the bottom of the ocean and landed on the moon. But one simple truth remains - there is no comeback to 'Fuck You'

The Eternal Question Finally Answered

Christwire is a Christian news site that has dedicated itself to standing steadfastly in the face of modern depravity and sin, using the faith of the writers as a shield to protect the deserving from the constant tide of immorality that's eroding the shoreline of basic human decency.

They have taken it upon themselves to tackle the toughest issues that challenge us, such as 'Do Gay Pets go to Heaven?'. God bless these brave Christian soldiers.

But in all honesty, Christwire is probably the most despicable mixture of hilarity and hatred you can casually find on the internet without googling terms like 'Did the Holocaust really happen?'.

Add in the fact that the writer of the gay pets article Stephenson Billings (a widely respected and Christian Investigative Journalist, according to his own Facebook page) is clearly jonesing bad for a mouthfull of spooge. How else do you explain things like this;

"The people who engage in these physical acts celebrate sin with their outrageously flamboyant lifestyles and lust for grunge and muscles, innocence and the fresh scent of teenage flesh. The gay man in America wants nothing more than to stuff your face in the musk of his indecency..."


Other choice articles from Christwire include (but are not limited to);

Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best
Is My Husband GAY?
Why do Rabbits Rape Cats?
Warning! Black Music Infiltrates the Minds of Future Homemaking White Women

Seriously folks, ring in sick to work tomorrow and put aside and entire afternoon to read Christwire. If you learn nothing else from it, you will learn that you will always be a better person than Mr. Stephenson Billings.

Welcome Rapuringroundis!

Our new Religious Affairs Correspondent!

Revenge is a dish best served Itchy

The internet has reached its logical conclusion in revengecrabs.com, sure music piracy, porn and leaking names of afghan collaborators all seemed important at the time, but what could be more important than revenge, sweet itchy revenge. The website sums itself up pretty well

 It’s an idea so horrible, regrettable and insulting that you could never directly endorse or request it, and we won’t ask you to. All we do is ask you for your billing and shipping addresses, and mail you out a tidy package of peculiar material with tiny, purple dots in it… those are live crabs, and they need only be sprinkled on the bedding or clothing of the one you once loved the most to ensure he/she sufferers the fullest wrath of those genital lice.

They claim there is nothing illegal in what they are doing and at the very most it is 'malicious mischief'. And with that kind of guarantee what can stop you from getting your own back on everyone who ever wronged you (or even who you just don't like). It is pricey however, starting at $99 and going the whole way to $299 for genetically engineered super-lice, but what price can you put on the kind of satisfaction you can only get from being vindictive. And If your worried that giving people crabs isn't funny, the site sets your mind at ease

Actually it kind of is. I mean, if you actually think about it for a minute it really is pretty funny.

Paris Hilton is a Stupid Whore. Oh, and She's Being Sued, or Something

Paris Hilton is an annoying bitch, and not just because she switches from being reasonably attractive to being a scagged out skinny whore every 4 seconds. She's famous for being a stupid and self entitled cunt, and lands movie roles and recording and publishing deals despite being completely fucking braindead, while thousands of talented people around the globe die depressed and unheard of in piles of their own sick.

On top of all that she continues to be brain-meltingly rich despite the fact that she's constantly getting wasted on a yacht somewhere or buying jewel encrusted mobile phones. That, and being sued all the time. In 2008 she was sued for failing to promote a movie that she starred in and produced (although to be fair, it was complete shit). Now she's being sued by Hairtech International for wearing a competitors hair extensions when she was being paid by Hairtech to promote their product.

Seriously, who gives a shit. People looking at photos of the slut are hardly going to fucking know what brand hair extensions she's wearing, and if she's appearing in your adverts promoting your product, people are probably going to assume the ones she is wearing are yours anyway, if they even care in the first place.

Final purpose of the Internet revealed to be BRODYQUEST!

It had to be something like this right? Not a world community or democratic access to information or any of that bullshit. Not even just something to lord it over the commies with.

The final purpose of the Internet just had to be a cut out of Adrien Brody playing a star guitar in space.

Internet pioneer Lawrence Roberts could have hardly imagined the majesty that his simple packet switching system ARPANET would one day achieve.

Now surely he can die happy.

Montana Fishporn

No, this isn't a post about people in Montana fucking fish. I've never been to Montana, so I can't say for sure that there aren't Montanans (Montanites? Montanoans?) pounding one out in the gills of some lake dweller, but I also can't say that there are.

sexy

Actually this post is about Montana Fishburne, and her impending career as a porn star. The thing is, she looks quite like her father, which will surely make for some pretty uncomfortable viewing for everyone but those eight remaining Matrix fanatics.

Limbo.

Limbo by Danish game developer Playdead points to the serious inroads that small download only games are making into rejuvenating a tired and repetitive games industry.

Variety in games from around Playstation 2 onwards seemed to have been taking a seriously generous amount of holiday time but thankfully it appears that download only content may change that. There were of course always unique games dotted about the landscape, games like Ico for instance but for a long time they seemed to be drowning in a sea of space marine/counter terrorist first person shooters and free roaming hooker killing simulators.

With a download only market available for developers to exploit smaller less ambitious games can be made. Distribution and promotion costs are less. So inevitably there is less to lose on a flop. When there is not as much of a gamble on every game developers can afford to experiment as opposed to adopting the Rockstar approach of throwing 100million at a desert hooker killing simulator where the main character handles like a shopping trolley with only three wheels. Limbo on the other hand probably cost about 0.5% what Red Dead Redemption cost to make and yet it remains easily the more memorable of the two.

Playing Limbo is ridiculously easy to get the hang of and even easier to get drawn in by. Anyone who has played Braid will appreciate this game. The world of Limbo has an incredibly familiar feel without a single line of text or any onscreen icons to suggest what the player is supposed to be doing. It is essentially a playable example of the Roald Dahl/ Brothers Grimm school of fairytales.

Criticism for the game seems to be squarely aimed at its price to length ratio and admittedly it is frustrating how short the game is, coming in at just under two hours. On Xbox live this will set you back 15 euros worth of Microsoft points so its not exactly cheap but even with its brevity and cost taken into consideration it is still highly recommended to anyone looking for a great story that they already know.

Imperial Bedrooms by Bret Easton Ellis

Bret Easton Ellis's new novel is really blah blah blah, it revisits characters from blah blah blah and really ties together many aspects of blah blah blah. But we're not a book review blog so thats really not important.

Author Lionel Shriver however thinks its 'simply not very good' and is just relying on a 'powerful publicity machine'. Whether this is just sour grapes or not is not really for me to say.

But, and here's the point of the post, one part if this publicity campaign is http://www.thedevilinyou.com/. Now this lovely little site lets you play the part of a casting agent and rates you based on what you make the unsuspecting actress do. Will you ply her with booze and make her strip, feed her drugs and proposition her, or just let her go. 

This may not be the kind of thing your into and if this is the case I really don't understand why your here, why don't you go read about the same thing on Jezebel with all their ideas of equality, dignity and boring political correctness. Maybe rather than fiction we should all just read articles like 'Where did all the Darias go?' or 'Is British Vogue Afraid of Lesbians?'. But I digress, actually I kinda forget the point now...

Consequences will never be the same.

Stumble across the internet and eventually you find things like this. Until now you may have been blissfully unaware of the existence of the (scarily powerful) Cyber Police!

Not anymore fucker! Be careful because everything you look at online from this moment forward (including that extremely specific erotica) can be back-traced by this angry lunatic.

In the meantime enjoy this vision of the future. Soon all our daughters and sons will be lining up to cry online like deranged lemmings leaping off cliffs of impulse into a sea of trolls.

It is funny though.

This kinda speaks for itself

If you can't laugh you'll cry?

You may not believe this (although you probably will if you'd just watch it), but the above video is of an elderly holocaust survivor dancing at various concentration camps along with some of his younger relatives. Personally i think its pretty good but some of the comments on YouTube seem to disagree claiming it is inappropriate. The only inappropriate thing I saw was yomguikarnage's comment "holohoax".

George Steinbrenner - Deceased

George Steinbrenner of Seinfeld fame passed away today. Apparently he also owned some American sports team or something.

Escape from Huai'an

A group of plucky Chinese teenagers escaped from an oppressive training camp by subduing one of their minders before fleeing to a nearby city. It's the stuff of gritty anti-system movies the world over, apart from, ironically, China, where you're only allowed make movies if your name is Ang Lee or John Woo.

The 14 kids, aged from 15 to 22, were being 'treated' at a “jie-wang” (quit the internet) camp at Huai’an Internet Addiction Treatment Center, and decided they'd had enough. They captured and tied up one of their counselors, and beat him when he tried to raise the alarm. They then escaped to a nearby city, where they were recaptured by the authorities, who recognised them because of their "military style" jumpsuits.

It's like Battle Royale and The Great Escape rolled into one.

Except for, it's not. First off, these were kids being held because of their internet addiction. So they were probably all pasty, overweight and sensitive to bright sunlight.

Secondly, there was no dramatic motorcycle chase, jumping over barbed wire fences. Instead, they got taxis, which they couldn't pay for.

There was no great plans for return to friendly territories. No, not these down-trodden rebels, instead they went to the nearest city, because one of them lives there.

Although I do like to think they got caught when someone wished them good luck, and one of them replied "kthnxbai LOL :)".

At least Israel has a sense of humor.. oh no wait.

Jerusalem Post columnist Caroline Glick and some of her friends show their support for the recent killings in International waters and the Israeli armed forces, confirming to the world the victim mentality which seems to be culturally ingrained in the Israeli psyche. On the upside they show some edited clips from the raid itself and has a man dressed as an Arab being offensive. They also accuse aid of being for 'missiles for the kids'. It's possibly better than the original though.

Teenager's privacy violated by parent (not facebook)

The above woman is crying because she was fined $435 after she beat Facebook to the punch and violated her 17 year old son's privacy. TIME magazine says:

Denise New hijacked her son Lane’s Facebook account when he left it logged in on a home computer, changing his password and posting as Lane. One post cited by the judge: “Check this out — I went to my mom’s and deliberately started an argument and called the police on her. She almost went to jail. How cool is that? Ha, ha, ha."

I've got a feeling there is more to this story than meets the eye, this guys mother does seem mental and is surprisingly upset by a $435 fine (maybe she feels bad about the stuff with her son too). However do you remember when you were 17? You were more than likely an arsehole. Check out these twats and I'm sure you'll see what I mean

Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! HOO...ooh wait.

Original Thundercats writer and comic book artist Stephen J. Perry has been officially confirmed as dead, the victim of homicide.

Perry went missing over two weeks ago, and on May 16th his van was found near some human remains. An arm, according to the cops. This arm has been confirmed to be Perry's.

This all paints a pretty grizzly picture of a gruesome death.

At this time the police haven't announced whether there's a suspect in the case, but I have my suspicions...

Mumm-ra; A stone cold motherfucker.

What the Hell Happened to Ursula Andress?!

On the right hand side above is a glorious example of what people tend to call 'classic beauty'. What this term means is 'women who were very fuckable a long time ago'.

And what a long time it has been, as the left hand picture shows. Yes, they are in fact the same woman.

Ursula Andress has aged badly. And I don't mean "god, she's really showing her age". What I mean is that in the 48 years since Dr. No made Andress a (very deserved) sex symbol, she's apparently managed to age about 250 years.

Daily Mail Outraged as People are Offered Jobs

The Daily Mail continued to be easily angered as they reported on the shocking behaviour of Faceclick.co.uk, an online sex chat service. Those filthy sleaze pedallers had the audacity to offer people the chance to apply for jobs!


Unemployed people were shocked when the job centre they went to seeking honest, paying work told them that if they wanted to, they could apply for a job with the internet sex chat site.

"It was terrible. Being given the option of considering applying for a job like that, it makes my skin crawl. What kind of girl do those strangers-who-are-trying-to-help-me-find-a-job-because-I-asked-them-to think I am!?" Said one woman, after she stopped sobbing "Do you think we should tell the police?" She added.

The Daily Mail are continuing to investigate these soulless monsters who are trying to provide young, willing women the chance to knowingly strip on camera for money, but early evidence is pointing towards foreign people and cancer.

Nightmare on Elm Street (remake) - probably woeful.

While I haven't yet seen or heard anything about Nightmare on Elm Street (the remake), I did hear that Micheal Bay made it. This gives me the confidence to say that I will probably never watch the movie and that in reality the above picture is a million times better than it. Its a bear riding a horse, of course it is.
Nightmare on Elm Street will almost definitely make more money than this picture, what is wrong with the world? I bet someone is to blame. I'm gonna blame Halliburton because when I typed 'who to blame' into Google their name featured quite prominently.

BREAKING NEWS: Torie-Lib Dem Negotiations to form basis for bulk of plot to Sex and the City 3

Cast of Sex and the City 3

Hollywood script writers were in London today, closely following the ongoing discussions on the formation of a new government, in hopes that the dramatic tension will prove just the ticket for the next installment of the Sex and the City saga.
It is thought that the tense and detailed political discussions between between David Cameron and Nick Clegg's parties could be easily translated to the sexy world of four sassy New York ladies 'doing it for themselves', venereal disease bedamned.
Early draughts of the script follow much the same format of previous movies, with some minor adjustments to the characters. 'Charlotte' will be remodelled in the image of Sam Cameron, while Sarah Jessica Parker's 'Carrie' will become more like David Cameron than she has appeared in previous installments. It is expected that red-haired 'Miranda' will be almost entirely changed, her character now reminiscent of former Torie Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher, while in a confusing move,Sex and the City regular Kim Kattrall(207) will play a newly introduced character, known as 'The Cryptkeeper'. Nick Clegg is rumoured to be playing himself.
A source said "We hope to retain the spirit of the show and the movies. All the same elements will be there - The Cryptkeeper will still be a promiscuous lush, Charlotte will still be the posh one, Miranda will be a tough go-getter; the original 'Iron Lady', and Carrie will still be looking for love - only this time it's all set against the back drop of her attempts to become Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland."
The film is being rushed into production this summer due to scheduling conflicts and Kim Kattrall's hastening descent into syphilitic dementia.

Coming to a theatre near you... and shameful hit generating phrases!!

When you're kids say they're listening to T-Pain, they mean this man, a flamboyant pimp from Tallahassee, FL.

You've gotta hand it to Antares Audio Technologies. In case you didn't know (I sure as dick didn't until five minutes ago), they're the guys who invented Auto-Tune. Thats the thing that people like T-Pain, will.i.am and Cher use to make themselves sound like emotional robots from the glitchy future. But its also what pretty much every other popular music vocalist uses to make sure they sing in tune, live and on record. As opposed to mad concepts like singing lessons or practice.

Glee: Women embrace each other in glorious high definition

And its also something you're very likely to have encountered for a solid hour if you've ever seen Glee. There are more computer generated voices in that show than an episode of Transformers guest starring Stephen Hawking.
So thats almost all popular music, and the most popular TV show in the western world, sewn up for these guys. All that's left is "Auto-Tune: The Movie". They're genius. Pretty soon, people will become so used to the hollow, soul-less - but technically flawless - voices from Glee that even the sound of your loved one's voice in casual conversation, what with all its hideous idiosyncracies and imperfections, will grate on the folds of your brain, like nails scraping on blackboard, or an elastic band snapping inside your scrotum.
And those bastards at Antares are behind it all.

Shark Thoroughly Jumped

Well, it happens to everyone eventually, and to be honest, it had looked like it was coming for a while now, but 30 Rock has now conclusively, epically jumped the proverbial shark. What started out as a smart, well observed and painfully funny show about the writing of a mediocre sketch show now resembles a bad Saturday Night Live parody of a smart, well observed and painfully funny show about the writing of a mediocre sketch show. Oh how times have changed.
You may dispute this, but allow me to offer a synopsis of the shark-defying episode. Entitled "Argus", after the peacock bequeathed to Jack Donaghy by his dead mentor Don Geiss, the episode centres on three stories - Jenna's burgeoning relationship with a man who impersonates her for a living, Gris's turmoil over choosing a best man between Dot-Com and Tracey, and Jack's relationship with mentor Geiss - who's soul, in case I haven't made myself clear, Jack believes has migrated into the body of Argus. The peacock. This is Jack - the powerfull, seemingly all knowing corporate/republican stereotype, a character who's entire comic appeal stems from his own infallibility and sense of importance. Reduced to a ridiculous stooge, serving whiskey to peacock and calling him'Sir'. Crying like a baby when the peacock puts its wing on his knee, like a comforting father. No wonder Alec Baldwin is talking about getting out. Of course, there are all the surreal moments thrown in that you could expect, but its all so forced - Argus marks Liz as his mate (we get it - she's going to die alone) and Kenneth has some strange knowledge of 'peafowl',obviously from his previous existence as a simple hill person. Tina Fey's Liz has become a decidedly unlikable bitch. They seem to have run out of things to do with the other characters. Tracey is a child, Jenna is a narcissist - we get it. We get it all. We got it the first time, and loved it. Now shut up and fuck off, and don't make us watch a slow and horrible death, like the fucking Simpsons did.
.

...good odds on Tragedy (with a capital 't')

2-1 Heart Attack
5-2 Suicide
12-5 Cocaine Overdose
7-1 Accidental Strangulation while masturbating (à la David Carradine)


THAT IS ALL

We're BACK! BAM!

Many apologies to our loyal readers (we're up to 16!!!), for our shocking, and inexcusable absence from you're interweb, but we're back now, so shut the fuck up, you douche.

It's not just me - Avatar isn't that good.

Well The BAFTAs are over and even better is that Avatar only won best Production Design and Best Visual Effects. Apparently the British Academy aren't stupid and realise that just because something is pretty and technologically cutting edge, (and is in essence a white mans guilt fantasy) doesn't make up for a lack of dialogue, originality, acting ability or any semblance of a script. I don't really care for all the award shows stuff all that much but all Avatars nominations annoyed me. It's so over-rated and just so disappointing. The New York Times claims it cost $500m to make and it appears that none of that budget went into the writing. I have no problem with Avatar winning technical awards but if it wins Best Picture in the Oscars I will lose faith in the Hollywood elite forever. Oh wait.. never mind.

Russian Man Jailed for Trying to Make People Happy

As this picture fails to adequately illustrate, last month Moscow came to a standstill when someone hacked the control computer for a 30ft by 20ft screen in the centre of the city, and made it show some hardcore, inter-racial porn.

Clearly this kind hearted soul was simply distressed by the ever-growing levels of racism in his beloved country and wanted to show his countrymen that there need not be hatred between people of different ethnicities, but instead there can be peace, love, and even lust.

The Russian authorities don't see it this way though, and have arrested a 40 year old man who has pleaded guilty to the act.

Come on, Russia, have a heart, the only thing this man is guilty of is bringing a couple of minutes of joy to the lives of poor, downtrodden Muscovites.

Mystery Link of the week. Click the picture for possible entertainment!