Telecoms Company Advocates Revolution

So the Christmas season ads blitz has begun, as relentless as years gone by. But one ad has caught my eye more than most others, and not just because it's not some lazy fuckers recycling the ads of christmas' past, but because it seems to have some sort of secret 'class war' undertones.

In the ad, we see the lovably scruffy studenty types trying to ease the financial burden of the christmas season with some innocent streetside carolling, only to be foiled by the smarmy rich people with their matching scarves and hats and songbooks. The endearingly downtrodden bearded ones then call all their friends, who, feeling the christmas spirit, drop everything and rush to their friends' aid, and send the silver-spooners scampering with their tails between their legs.

What we actually see is some scruffy work-dodgers getting pissed off because some fuckers are better dressed, better groomed, more talented and more organised. They then gather up a mob and chase these poor souls, who could actually afford to spend the night in a pub, sipping hot whiskeys in the warm glow of each other's company, but instead decided to try spread some christmas joy, off the streets.

In an office somewhere in the depths of Meteor HQ there's a marketing executive with light shining under his face, cackling madly as he imagines the revolution rampaging through the streets using Meteor phones to organise the overthrow of Brian Cowen and his cabinet.

ALSO THIS!

wow, i'm in exceptionally productive (sic) mood tonight. This'll be quick. I recently saw some disturbing pictures of Nikki Cox ( Of Las Vegas fame), post botched plastic surgery. I'm not posting them here, because I don't want to hurt Nikki in that way. I'm not even posting links. Suffice to say she looks fucking disgusting, a total mess; her face looks like what I imagine Michael Jackson's junk looked like. But here is a picture of her in happier times, proving that its not genetically impossible for red heads to be good looking. Just statistically improbable.

BONG! Its 21:02 on Sunday, November somethingth, and its time for the Happy Slap NEWS!!!

BONG! Hello
BONG! This seemed like a better idea before the title became an unreadable mess
BONG! So Eh, news? See if you can guess how I've spent my Sunday evening from the tone of these 'news' items..
BONG! Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh is an unlikeable bitch. Having sat through half an hour of RTE's God awful All Ireland Talent Show, I can safely say she may be the most unlikeable person on television. And I include Glen Beck, Martin King and RyanTubridy in that. She manages to combine her disgusting red hair and overweight-for-telly figure with a deliberately patronising tone; she is the living embodiment of the stereotype of Irish Mammy Syndrome. I'm not sure how old she is, but she acts like she's about a hundred. Like those bitches on that thing on TV3 on weekday mornings, Sybil Mulcahy et al. You know what I'm talking about, right? Drifting slightly now... focus.... oh yeah; she's also unbelievably cold - there was one scene at the start where she got caught halfway between trying to be Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole; first she nearly made an elderly man cry, then she got up to console him - the many sides of Blathnaid; she's the Nazi guard who would spoon his rape victims after. She's also shit telly. Which brings me to...
BONG! The All Ireland Talent show is unwatchable dirge. Thats right, its God awful. Its full of the kind of faux tribalism that the GAA tries to convince people exists, but which not only doesn't exist in modern Ireland, it never did, except in some remote regions of west Cork. Its got that prick off the as Gaeilge weather, the aforementioned Blathnaid, and that gobshite with the glasses ( I wanna say Cormac Battle? He's some radio arsehole anyway). The acts are bad - 6 year olds from leixlip singing Journey, and large groups of overweight teenage girls dancing around; thats pretty much it. But, that said, I don't have a problem with the lack of talent ; its the fake rivalry, the pretence at competition between the Judges; X-Factor does the same, but they're at least half believable, because at least there's money at the end. This has the potential for the winner to perform at the National Ploughing Championships, or Puck Fair, or some other Godforsaken event from 'the regions' that reminds everyone what a backward little shithole we live in. And finally....
BONG! Continuing the theme of critiqing tonight's shows on RTE, Val Falvey, TD was horrifically bad. A sitcom with literally no laughs. At least Killinascully would let you know where you were supposed to laugh, here, no such clues. Theres not even a hint of a joke. We are supposed to knowingly chuckle at the Charlie Haughey references, cheer with nostalgia when Linda Martin enters the fray; shake our heads disapprovingly at the predictably snotty kids and cold bitchy wife (she has a hangover, you know), who funnily enough have south Dublin accents ( how unusual, people from south dublin being portrayed as dull callous arseholes on an RTE show clearly aimed at a rural audience of potatoe peeling bog trotters).
The worst thing about this is that Arthur Matthews wrote it. Well, actually, the worst thing is Ardal O'Hanlon's inept, wooden and utterly humourless performance. But the fact that Matthews is behind this is hurtful. Obviously Linehan was the talent. That baldy prick Matthews couldn't write his way out a paper bag. Apparently.

ITS OVER

Sorry Graham...

I've gotta be totally upfront about this. I stole this from Graham Linehan. I saw it on his blog, and rather than just write that, or include a link to his blog, I decided to find the original, and repost it here, so as to give the impression that my relentless internet trawling has yielded some original, never before seen, gold. It hasn't. Having fumbled around with the HTML embed shit on the interweb, like a sweaty octopus unhooking a bra (sorry Armando Ianucci...), I finally managed it. And its pretty good. I feel good about this now. I mean, its not like Linehan made it, or even found it. Someone Twittered it to him. So he's as bad as me. And he totally stole my idea for a TV show about a bunch of priests. Well, my version was harrowing drama, exploring the forbidden gay love between a trio of homo-priests, one of them a raging dipsomaniac; he tweaked it, but I still maintain I should have gotten EP credit, but whatever, fuck you, Graham.
His blog is here, by the way.

CASINO TITS BRITNEY SPEARS NEW MOON SEX TAPE

Apologies for the title. Unfortunately, we're having a problem with Google adwords, that has seen a single vampire related post fill our blog with ads aimed at vampire freaks, so this has prompted me to write a list of the top ten words that we want used in our posts - scientifically determined to be the most popular and lucrative words in the English language guaranteed to make us new media millionaires

1. Naked
2. Hate-crime
3. Megan
4. Unit
5. Philadelphia
6. Cigarettes
7. Area
8. Cornhole
9. Pipe
10. Potato

Sample Sentence: " Megan wasn't naked when the Philadelphia Unit came over, but she was touching her area. She had put a potato into a pipe, and lied. The pipe belonged to a black guy, so it was a hate crime. She asked the guys from the Unit for cigarettes - they refused. Cornhole"

Well, something like that, but, y'know... better?

Happy Birthday Dr. Rice

As everyone knows November 14th is Condoleezza Rice's Birthday. This year Conny turns 55 and we here at the Happy Slap would like to pass on our warmest wishes. We hope you have a great day and to help everyone else celebrate here's a picture of herself in the bath.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a Horse

Personally I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker looks more like a foot with a wart on the heel than a horse but the resemblance in some of these photos is uncanny. It begs the question why she isn't wearing a nose bag in all of her roles, although it wouldn't make the overall performance any better I have a strange feeling it would be infinitely more watchable.  For more pictures in this vein there is a whole website dedicated to this very topic.

Right Wing Buffoon Rescues Pinko

Lovably-entertaining-shockingly-powerful idiot Boris Johnson recently became a hero, rescuing a woman from a 'gang of hooded youths'. Johnson just happened to be cycling past when he answered the woman's cry for help, chasing the youths (one of them wielding an iron bar) down the street, away from the woman. It then turned out that the woman in question was lefty documentary maker Franny Armstrong.

This is all very heroic and admirable, even if the heroism is slightly reduced when you realise that the youths were young girls, and the admirability of it is similarly reduced by the fact that Johnson showed his silver-spoon upbringing by calling them 'oiks' as he chased them.

Add to this the fact that this sounds like the set up for a Tory-funded-Richard-Curtis-directed romcom; Passionate pinko has a run in with 'the real world' , is rescued by bumbling but likable toff, they meet, they fight, hilarious misunderstandings happen but then they both learn and grow and for some reason they decide they love each other.

'Right to Love', a Richard Curtis film, hitting cinemas in 2010.

Vampire Hysteria

With all this Twilight shite doing the rounds at the moment it is so easy to forget that vampires are really fuckin' cool, kinda like Ted "Theodore" Logan and Officer Jack Traven or to a lesser extent Johnny Mnemonic and the bass player from Dogstar. Or maybe not and I'm just over compensating because I still haven't gotten over how bad the second and third matrix film were. Either way I think more research is definitely needed.

Maternity Ward Rampage - Lest we Forget

While it's true purpose may be to stop the senseless bashing of human babies many now argue that pieces such as the above have a negative influence on young fathers who are at a difficult and impressionable time in their lives and have enough to worry about trying not to become Playstation inspired murders without having the additional temptation of wanting to fight their 3 month old quadruplets in some kind of awesome Smackdown like scenario. Within the art world, the debate rages on.

Rapist Wants to Fight

Tattooed, child-voiced nut-job Mike Tyson has hinted at a possible return to boxing, despite being past the age where standing in the ring and letting a younger, fitter man punch you in the face repeatedly should seem like a good idea to anyone. He's 43, and the last time he fought was against Zach Galifianakis, which was in a movie. Reunited with his cartoon haired former promoter Don King, Tyson said

"If this guy is going to pay for my training – my training team costs a lot of money – anything is possible."

Which I'm sure sounded hilarious in Tyson's my-boyish-tone-doesn't-match-my-monstrous-body voice.

King followed up with this redundancy riddled sentence

"We gonna do what has to be done ... so, whatever we have to do, we'll do"

Considering Tyson earned about $300 million in his prime, most of which was overseen by King, and still ended up filing for bankruptsy, I can see this ending well. Probably in another rape or mid-fight disfiguring attack.

New Taser Gun Might Hurt You

Apparently the point of a gun that can electrocute you to the point of temporary paralysis from 60 metres away is not to hurt you, because there are fears about Taser International's new method of making people plead ''Don't tase me, bro!" while you tase them. Only this time, you'll be tasing them from about 180 feet away, so instead of it being a wailing cry that should haunt you to the bottom of every drink as you try to wash away the guilt, it'll be an easily ignored whisper as you remorselessly dance the night away.