Happy Birthday Dr. Rice

As everyone knows November 14th is Condoleezza Rice's Birthday. This year Conny turns 55 and we here at the Happy Slap would like to pass on our warmest wishes. We hope you have a great day and to help everyone else celebrate here's a picture of herself in the bath.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a Horse

Personally I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker looks more like a foot with a wart on the heel than a horse but the resemblance in some of these photos is uncanny. It begs the question why she isn't wearing a nose bag in all of her roles, although it wouldn't make the overall performance any better I have a strange feeling it would be infinitely more watchable.  For more pictures in this vein there is a whole website dedicated to this very topic.

Right Wing Buffoon Rescues Pinko

Lovably-entertaining-shockingly-powerful idiot Boris Johnson recently became a hero, rescuing a woman from a 'gang of hooded youths'. Johnson just happened to be cycling past when he answered the woman's cry for help, chasing the youths (one of them wielding an iron bar) down the street, away from the woman. It then turned out that the woman in question was lefty documentary maker Franny Armstrong.

This is all very heroic and admirable, even if the heroism is slightly reduced when you realise that the youths were young girls, and the admirability of it is similarly reduced by the fact that Johnson showed his silver-spoon upbringing by calling them 'oiks' as he chased them.

Add to this the fact that this sounds like the set up for a Tory-funded-Richard-Curtis-directed romcom; Passionate pinko has a run in with 'the real world' , is rescued by bumbling but likable toff, they meet, they fight, hilarious misunderstandings happen but then they both learn and grow and for some reason they decide they love each other.

'Right to Love', a Richard Curtis film, hitting cinemas in 2010.

Vampire Hysteria

With all this Twilight shite doing the rounds at the moment it is so easy to forget that vampires are really fuckin' cool, kinda like Ted "Theodore" Logan and Officer Jack Traven or to a lesser extent Johnny Mnemonic and the bass player from Dogstar. Or maybe not and I'm just over compensating because I still haven't gotten over how bad the second and third matrix film were. Either way I think more research is definitely needed.

Maternity Ward Rampage - Lest we Forget

While it's true purpose may be to stop the senseless bashing of human babies many now argue that pieces such as the above have a negative influence on young fathers who are at a difficult and impressionable time in their lives and have enough to worry about trying not to become Playstation inspired murders without having the additional temptation of wanting to fight their 3 month old quadruplets in some kind of awesome Smackdown like scenario. Within the art world, the debate rages on.

Rapist Wants to Fight

Tattooed, child-voiced nut-job Mike Tyson has hinted at a possible return to boxing, despite being past the age where standing in the ring and letting a younger, fitter man punch you in the face repeatedly should seem like a good idea to anyone. He's 43, and the last time he fought was against Zach Galifianakis, which was in a movie. Reunited with his cartoon haired former promoter Don King, Tyson said

"If this guy is going to pay for my training – my training team costs a lot of money – anything is possible."

Which I'm sure sounded hilarious in Tyson's my-boyish-tone-doesn't-match-my-monstrous-body voice.

King followed up with this redundancy riddled sentence

"We gonna do what has to be done ... so, whatever we have to do, we'll do"

Considering Tyson earned about $300 million in his prime, most of which was overseen by King, and still ended up filing for bankruptsy, I can see this ending well. Probably in another rape or mid-fight disfiguring attack.

New Taser Gun Might Hurt You

Apparently the point of a gun that can electrocute you to the point of temporary paralysis from 60 metres away is not to hurt you, because there are fears about Taser International's new method of making people plead ''Don't tase me, bro!" while you tase them. Only this time, you'll be tasing them from about 180 feet away, so instead of it being a wailing cry that should haunt you to the bottom of every drink as you try to wash away the guilt, it'll be an easily ignored whisper as you remorselessly dance the night away.