Internet Comment of the Week

So, I guess pretty much everyone has seen the video of the woman putting the cat into the bin (here). But my favourite aspect of this whole story is the comment left by a mister '

nichtsausserwahrheit' (which translates ironically enough as 'Nothing but Truth'), who simply said 'In China they eat the cat'.

The Happy Slap Congratulates It's New International Correspondant

File Photo

THAT'S RIGHT!! Happy Slap Corp. is expanding apace - in addition to two (2!!!) new correspondants, we are proud to announce the launch of our first international office, to be headed up by long time contributor, Clarko-polo. In Scotland. So for the same old Happy Slap Shit, with a Scottish twist, check out Clarko-polo's new weekly column 'Portrait of the Artless as a Young Ham'
Also, starting next week, John Q's new bi-weekly Wednesday column, 'WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY'. It's gonna be a laugh riot.

Nation's Self Esteem Chipped Away at by Brutally Personal Graffiti

This, dear readers, may just be the most subversive thing in the world today. Simple to the point of idiocy, this anarchic, nihilistic, scattergun graffiti insult follows you wherever you go. The back of a truck.
A wall in an alley.
Written in dust on your car when you try to get in.
Constant, burrowing. Completely indiscriminate. Though you may brush it off, somewhere in your mind it's gnawing at you - at everyone. Some faceless stranger, someone you've never met, knows what you're all about, and they don't like it one bit.
That 'Fuck You' is both random and entirely personal. Out there the towns and cities are full of hateful bastards, who, having never met you, want you to know that they hate you, and are willing to plaster the world around us with monuments to their hate for you. And there is nothing you can do about it. There is no answer you can give, no clever retort or witty rejoinder. Mankind has scaled the highest mountain, travelled to the bottom of the ocean and landed on the moon. But one simple truth remains - there is no comeback to 'Fuck You'

The Eternal Question Finally Answered

Christwire is a Christian news site that has dedicated itself to standing steadfastly in the face of modern depravity and sin, using the faith of the writers as a shield to protect the deserving from the constant tide of immorality that's eroding the shoreline of basic human decency.

They have taken it upon themselves to tackle the toughest issues that challenge us, such as 'Do Gay Pets go to Heaven?'. God bless these brave Christian soldiers.

But in all honesty, Christwire is probably the most despicable mixture of hilarity and hatred you can casually find on the internet without googling terms like 'Did the Holocaust really happen?'.

Add in the fact that the writer of the gay pets article Stephenson Billings (a widely respected and Christian Investigative Journalist, according to his own Facebook page) is clearly jonesing bad for a mouthfull of spooge. How else do you explain things like this;

"The people who engage in these physical acts celebrate sin with their outrageously flamboyant lifestyles and lust for grunge and muscles, innocence and the fresh scent of teenage flesh. The gay man in America wants nothing more than to stuff your face in the musk of his indecency..."


Other choice articles from Christwire include (but are not limited to);

Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best
Is My Husband GAY?
Why do Rabbits Rape Cats?
Warning! Black Music Infiltrates the Minds of Future Homemaking White Women

Seriously folks, ring in sick to work tomorrow and put aside and entire afternoon to read Christwire. If you learn nothing else from it, you will learn that you will always be a better person than Mr. Stephenson Billings.

Welcome Rapuringroundis!

Our new Religious Affairs Correspondent!

Revenge is a dish best served Itchy

The internet has reached its logical conclusion in revengecrabs.com, sure music piracy, porn and leaking names of afghan collaborators all seemed important at the time, but what could be more important than revenge, sweet itchy revenge. The website sums itself up pretty well

 It’s an idea so horrible, regrettable and insulting that you could never directly endorse or request it, and we won’t ask you to. All we do is ask you for your billing and shipping addresses, and mail you out a tidy package of peculiar material with tiny, purple dots in it… those are live crabs, and they need only be sprinkled on the bedding or clothing of the one you once loved the most to ensure he/she sufferers the fullest wrath of those genital lice.

They claim there is nothing illegal in what they are doing and at the very most it is 'malicious mischief'. And with that kind of guarantee what can stop you from getting your own back on everyone who ever wronged you (or even who you just don't like). It is pricey however, starting at $99 and going the whole way to $299 for genetically engineered super-lice, but what price can you put on the kind of satisfaction you can only get from being vindictive. And If your worried that giving people crabs isn't funny, the site sets your mind at ease

Actually it kind of is. I mean, if you actually think about it for a minute it really is pretty funny.

Paris Hilton is a Stupid Whore. Oh, and She's Being Sued, or Something

Paris Hilton is an annoying bitch, and not just because she switches from being reasonably attractive to being a scagged out skinny whore every 4 seconds. She's famous for being a stupid and self entitled cunt, and lands movie roles and recording and publishing deals despite being completely fucking braindead, while thousands of talented people around the globe die depressed and unheard of in piles of their own sick.

On top of all that she continues to be brain-meltingly rich despite the fact that she's constantly getting wasted on a yacht somewhere or buying jewel encrusted mobile phones. That, and being sued all the time. In 2008 she was sued for failing to promote a movie that she starred in and produced (although to be fair, it was complete shit). Now she's being sued by Hairtech International for wearing a competitors hair extensions when she was being paid by Hairtech to promote their product.

Seriously, who gives a shit. People looking at photos of the slut are hardly going to fucking know what brand hair extensions she's wearing, and if she's appearing in your adverts promoting your product, people are probably going to assume the ones she is wearing are yours anyway, if they even care in the first place.

Final purpose of the Internet revealed to be BRODYQUEST!

It had to be something like this right? Not a world community or democratic access to information or any of that bullshit. Not even just something to lord it over the commies with.

The final purpose of the Internet just had to be a cut out of Adrien Brody playing a star guitar in space.

Internet pioneer Lawrence Roberts could have hardly imagined the majesty that his simple packet switching system ARPANET would one day achieve.

Now surely he can die happy.

Montana Fishporn

No, this isn't a post about people in Montana fucking fish. I've never been to Montana, so I can't say for sure that there aren't Montanans (Montanites? Montanoans?) pounding one out in the gills of some lake dweller, but I also can't say that there are.

sexy

Actually this post is about Montana Fishburne, and her impending career as a porn star. The thing is, she looks quite like her father, which will surely make for some pretty uncomfortable viewing for everyone but those eight remaining Matrix fanatics.